The world’s greatest golfer and possibly the world’s greatest philanderer Tiger Woods issued the ultimate non-statement this morning, aptly titled “Tiger comments on current events.” Of course, by “current events” he means “reports that he’s been boning all kinds of chicks all over the world who aren’t his wife.”
The statement‘s as boring as a final round with a 7-stroke lead:
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.
Oh right. Good luck with that, Tiger. Every story everywhere today is about all of the many ladies you’ve been banging all around the world. You’re gonna be on the cover of People and Us Weekly, and, ugh, whatever other trashy rags there are. Women all over are coming out of the woodwork with voicemails, text messages and stories almost as crazy as: “I accidentally ran over a fire hydrant and hit a tree, and it had NOTHING to do with my wife chasing me with a golf club.”
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. You should be smarter than this. You’re on TV all the time, have earned more than $1 billion, endorse pretty much every product ever made, and yet you think you can avoid scrutiny on this story? What the hell year do you think it is? 1962? Your blah non-statement statements aren’t gonna cut it, and until you actually get out there and comment on what actually happened and admit that poor Elin put a 2-iron through the back window of your ride, you’ll never get another question about golf.
Learn from Richard Nixon, learn from Bill Clinton, learn from Barry Bonds and learn from Alex Rodriguez: the cover-up is almost always worse than the crime, and if you get out front on a story, answer the questions fully and immediately, you can return to life as you knew it before. In other words, tell us about all the ladies you’ve been boning, and you can get right back to boning random ladies.