Hear that all you “think positive” twits? Stop telling me that I should smile more. If I want your opinion, I’ll pick up my iPhone and dial your fucking asshole.
Back to our story, the story that being irked is awesome! No more do you have to feel guilty for not helping old ladiez across the street. No more do you have to feel guilty about hating the way your Facebook friends prattle on about their stupid children. Use that negative energy to invent a longer lasting environmentally-friendly light bulb. Or cure cancer. Or something. But do it angrily!
Take it away, Scientific American!
Next time you find yourself in a bad mood, don’t try to put on a happy face—instead tackle a project that has been stymieing you. Melancholy might just help you hit peak performance, reports Joseph Forgas, a professor of psychology at the University of New South Wales, in the journal Australasian Science. Forgas reviewed several of his studies in which researchers induced either a good or bad mood in volunteers. Each study found that people in a bad mood performed tasks better than those in a good mood. Grumpy people paid closer attention to details, showed less gullibility, were less prone to errors of judgment and formed higher-quality, persuasive arguments than their happy counterparts. One study even supports the notion that those who show signs of either fear, anger, disgust or sadness—the four basic negative emotions—achieve stronger eyewitness recall while virtually eliminating the effect of misinformation.
So guess what lemons-into-lemonade people? You’re all a bunch of fucking turds. And speaking of turds, the next time one falls into your drink, be happy that you can focus your energy on something negative. (Gratuitous swearing added to drive the point home.)