Normally we’d be all for a 13-year-old kid who’s high on education. Then we read about Colin Carlson and his lawsuit against his current school, the University of Connecticut.
Yes, Colin is a college sophomore. He also takes himself a little too seriously. To wit:
Colin seek[s] a bachelor’s degree in ecology and evolutionary biology and another in environmental studies. But he’s been knocked off course by the university’s rejection of his request to take a class that includes summer field work in South Africa.
He and his mother say university officials told them he is too young for the overseas course. So he’s filed an age discrimination claim with the university and U.S. Department of Education, which is investigating.
“I’m losing time in my four-year plan for college,” he said. “They’re upsetting the framework of one of my majors.”
God. This dipshit probably also tells classmates things like, “You know, people from Phoenix are Phoenicians.”
Look. We don’t begrudge the kid his desire to learn or think that the taunts he likely faced in regular dumb Fat American schools were warranted. In fact, we’d like more kids to be a) smarter, and 2) less afraid of being called a bookworm because they want to read something other than Harry Potter (which Colin was reading at 4, if that tells you anything). But we do want the kid — and his mother — to understand that South Africa, even under the guidance and protection of UConn, is no place for a kid with red hair.
Oh, yeah. Colin has red hair. OF COURSE HE HAS RED HAIR. This kid wins the trifecta of douchery.
2. Too precocious for his own good.
Post script: Doomed.
It’s only a matter of time until this kid is downing shots of Jack Daniels, wearing women’s lingerie “just to pass the lonely days” and hosting a talk radio show that’s a combination of the horrible persona of fellow redhead Danny Bonaduce and a kid who grew up getting pegged with spitballs because he understood the difference between “affect” and “effect.”
But back to our story:
Over the years, Colin, who said he is fascinated by natural ecosystems, has traveled extensively. He has gone sea kayaking off Nova Scotia and Ecuador, hiked in numerous national parks and, with his mother, has traveled across the U.S. by car.
But seriously, kid. South Africa’s a good place to get killed. It’s an especially good place to get killed for a 13-year-old with red hair and penchant for sunburns. The only dangerous thing about Nova Scotia is that you may run into the chick who played Juno in “Juno.”
Colin says he would prefer not to have to fight, but he has no choice.
“When people are drawing lines in the sand, you’re going to have to cross them,” he said. “I’m not going back.”
OK. Punch him in the nuts. Then let him go.