Harsh suggestion, perhaps. And hey, it didn’t stop this guy. But check out this story in the Boston Herald, in which a mother gets angry at a restaurant because she wasn’t paying attention to her child. Gack. And we realize that the Boston Herald isn’t a real newspaper, but the dum-dums have to read something and not everyone can find the LA Times.
South Boston toddler Jadm Moschella apparently thought he’d hit the motherload Saturday night when, while out to dinner with his parents and stepsister, he reached for a glass and began drinking — a white Russian intended for his dad!
Ugh. What a horribly written sentence. Why is there an em dash in there? And more troubling, why is this kid’s name Jadm?
It’s white and he thought it was milk. He took one sip and started gagging,” said 2-year-old Jadm’s outraged mother, Jessica Smith, 22, who immediately called police from her table at the Rainbow Dragon restaurant on West Broadway.
White Russians aren’t white, but that’s OK. We accept that 2-year-olds maybe don’t have the reasoning skills of, say, a 22-year-old mother. (Aside: We’re sure this was a planned pregnancy. Absolutely certain.)
But then…she calls the cops? Why? He took a sip and gagged. Clearly his 2-year-old body knew that the White Russian wasn’t something it wanted. So, you know, no harm no foul. So let’s bring in the cops! And the press! We’re sure she’s just an innocent, harried mother!
“I was so scared,” she told the Herald. “I grabbed it out of his hand. Jeez. Try to get dinner and it’s a crime scene.”
Actually, it wasn’t a crime scene until you made it one. What a jackass.
Smith said Jadm’s father, Albert Moschella, 35, had ordered the potent potion of vodka, cream and coffee liquer, while his daughter was waiting on a Sprite and Smith a fruity sex on the beach cocktail.
By the way, if you needed official confirmation why Jessica Smith should never have children, look no further than the above sentence. Dad’s 13 years older than mom, which isn’t a big deal when you’re say, 47, and mom is 34. But when a 33-year-old man dates a 20-year-old woman you can be assured — assured — that nothing good will from it. In addition, Smith ordered a sex on the beach which is the white-trash drink of choice.
And finally, just to drive the point home, we mention that the kid’s father ordered a White Russian. A White. Fucking. Russian.
Remember The Dude in “The Big Lebowski”? He drank White Russians. And you laughed at him. Because he was a nincompoop. A funny nincompoop, but a nincompoop nonetheless. And Albert Moschella decides he’s going to drink the same beverage as The Dude. Yeah, OK.
Liang Hu, a manager at Rainbow Dragon, said the family’s waiter placed all the beverages in the center of the table and later apologized for the mixup.
“The kids’ parents ordered the drinks. Our waiter made the drinks. The waiter put the drinks on the table. The parents didn’t watch the kids,” Hu charged.
Smith acknowledged the waiter’s mea culpa, but said, “My son just drank alcohol. Sorry’s not going to cover it. I said to him, ‘Did you card my 2-year-old tonight?’ ”
We’re going with Hu on this one. Watch your kid, asshole.
Smith accepted responsibility for parental distractions as she said the drinks were served while she was gathering up the menus to give their food order. She said Moschella was reading his horoscope to his daughter from a placemat.
Actually, she didn’t accept responsibility. Did you read the above story, Boston Herald? This woman has no interest in being responsible. Moschella was reading his horoscope to his daughter? Why didn’t the cops arrest him for contributing to the delinquency of a minor? Or child abuse?
Paramedics responded to the eatery and determined Jadm was fine, and a grateful Smith said her son, seemingly bored with his Big Burst juice box, never acted tipsy.
“He’s a smart 2-year-old,” she said. “We go (to Rainbow Dragon) all the time, but I’ll never go back.”
Of course he was fine. OF COURSE HE WAS FINE, YOU IDIOT. Jude Law’s daughter ate ecstasy off the floor of a nightclub when she was a child and SHE’S FINE.
Boston police spokesman officer Joe Zanoli said the incident appeared to have been an accident that fortunately ended well.
The police didn’t address the biggest accident, of course, which is that Jessica Smith has reproduced.