Anyone who regularly reads Some Country for Old Men – we’re talking about you, hoosierboy – knows that we hate stupid baby names. In fact, I hate stupid baby names so much that I’ve written about them before.
According to a story published by the Associated Press today, Isabella is the new most pop baby name for girls. Better than Nevaeh, worse than Emma, which was last year’s most popular.
It should be no surprise in a country filled with fucking nitwits that Jacob is the most popular boy’s name for the 11th year running. Swell. A nation of kids just waiting to eat paste. Thanks, Fat America.
Worse still, the little shitheads who will soon be running around the country – assuming they don’t have rickets – are being shit out by white trash. That’s right! The “Twilight” series, that haven of Mormon sexiness wrapped up in a crimson, vampire-themed bow, is directly responsible for upping the number of Edwards (not so bad) and Cullens (fucking egregious) born in 2009.
Yes, Fat America. Not only are you fat, but your taste is indiscriminately wretched. That may explain why you’re so fat. Anyone who would name his kid Cullen would certainly eat the KFC Double Down. And if “Twilight” is the big name indicator this year, does that mean teen pregnancy is up? Where’s that story?
It gets worse. According to the AP story, “Among the boys, Jayden moved up from 11th to 8th, and Noah moved up from 15th to 9th.”
There are a lot of people out there who must hate their children. I’m trying to think of a name less masculine than Jayden. How about Emily? How about you emasculate your male child with that moniker, fucknuts?
And Noah? What can I say about Noah that I haven’t said when making fun of the “scientists” who discovered Noah’s Ark (again!) in Turkey last month?
Look, I’m not saying that baby names shouldn’t reflect culture. Barack Obama’s kids’ names have made big jumps since he became president (and thankfully, Barack has not), and we could do worse than Sasha and Malia. I’m just saying that when the culture reflects “Twilight” more than it does, say, anything else that means anything, we’re all fucking doomed.