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Archive for the ‘R.I.P.G.O.P.’ Category

The American Taliban strikes again, not surprisingly in Alabama, where Gov.-elect Robert Bentley (R) told a Martin Luther King Day crowd that they were all his brothers and sisters – if and only if they are Christian and have “been saved.”

Yes, on a day dedicated to teaching justice, equality, togetherness and unity, the future governor of Alabama took it upon himself to say that although he doesn’t see color, he just can’t be friends with someone who’s different than him.

I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind,” Bentley said in a short speech given about an hour after he took the oath of office as governor.

Then Bentley, who for years has been a deacon at First Baptist Church in Tuscaloosa, gave what sounded like an altar call.

“There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit,” Bentley said. ”But if you have been adopted in God’s family like I have, and like you have if you’re a Christian and if you’re saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister.”

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It worked brilliantly in 2006 and 2008, so hey, why not head to the well one more time. Already famous for turning record surpluses into record deficits, starting not one, but TWO wars and overseeing the “largest federal government expansion since Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” the GOP is turning to a man so reviled by the American public that they actually voted in huge numbers for DEMOCRATS — TWICE!

Rejoice, America! George W. Bush is back! And strangely, it’s not the Democrats who are trying to tie the current GOP to him; it’s the GOP themselves.

The chairmen of the two Republican campaign committees defended the presidency of George W. Bush in television appearances over the weekend, a preview of the GOP’s planned pushback against expected Democratic attacks on the last president.

“People had jobs when Republicans were not only in charge but George Bush was there,” said National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions (Texas) during an interview on NBC’s “Meet the Press”.

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Ol’ Walnuts just won’t rest until he’s shredded every bit of his legacy. The sad shell of a human being already decided that after being tortured mercilessly in Vietnam, he’s cool with other people being tortured, and now he’s totes okay with American citizens (only if they have funny-soundin’ Muslim names?) not being Mirandized.

When asked on the Imus program this morning if it’d be a good idea to read suspected terrorism-attempter Faisal Shahzad his rights so that, you know, things he says are admissible in court, Walnuts had this to say:

Obviously that would be a serious mistakeā€¦ [Ed note: Obviously!] at least until we find out as much information we have,” McCain said during an appearance on “Imus in the Morning” when asked whether the suspect, 30-year-old Faisal Shahzad, a naturalized American citizen from Pakistan.

“Don’t give this guy his miranda rights until we find out what it’s all about,” McCain added.

Yeah! Good idea, John McCain! Just beat the shit out of him! Vigilante justice, amirite!?!

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It’s hard to take Time magazine seriously. For the most part it’s a compilation of lists (Shows that overstayed their welcome! Time travel movies!), a smattering of quotes and the occasional incredibly-superficial story about something happening in the world. There are also hard-hitting stories about cute animals falling asleep and that latest facebook trend or Internet meme that anyone who has a computer already knows about, but we digress.

The point is, this one time, perhaps even by accident, Time managed to cut to the core of the conservative movement, the Republican Party, and why a vote for the GOP in November is a vote for TV punditry, bloviation, instigation and sound bites over substance. Here’s the poll that struck us as interesting (and frightening):

The question isn’t: Who’s the most influential non-elected conservative leader? It’s: Who’s the most influential? Period.

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Anyone out there remember who Victoria Jackson is? She was on SNL in the lean years when Lorne Michaels needed someone to be the ditzy blonde, but, because of cost cutting, needed to pay said actor in meth and sprinkles. Well, like Chuck Norris, she’s suddenly back and she’s strangely involved in politics. Anyone wanna guess which political party she’s affiliated with? Yes, shockingly, she’s a teabagger

But hey, like Chuck Norris, she’s a happy face, right? She’s a fun celebrity who won’t rub people the wrong way, isn’t she? Wouldn’t she be the perfect person for FOX News to have on to show everyone that the Teabaggers aren’t so bad? She was an actor, after all; she can at least act normal, can’t she?

Well, no. No she can’t. And as Steve Doocy’s befuddled (more than usual!) expression and quick need to correct claims like “Barack Obama is a communist” illustrates, she wasn’t quite the guest they were hoping for. Still, though, she is the face of the Teabaggers; just look at those crazy eyes!

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Remember the Bush years!? Yeah, they were awesome, right? We were all care-free and living the high life. We were awash in greenbacks and there was never any terrorism. Also, everyone had a house and mortgage payments were pretty much zero dollars. Banks were responsible, terrorists didn’t need trials of any kind and the Geneva Convention — WTF is a Geneva Convention, HIPPIE!?

Flash forward one year. Barack Obama has socialized everything, gotten us into two wars and allowed one of his Muslim terrorist friends to almost blow up Amerkuh with his underwear! He’s even trying to give people health care! GAH, SAVE US!

So what’s the GOP’s response to the situation? Get back to basics, duh! More nude models in Congress, more tax cuts, and hey, what ever happened to that fantastic idea — privatizing Social Security?

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Not content with dying slowly, the GOP is primed for a full-on kamikaze mission. They seem to think the quickest way to recapturing the House, Senate and White House is a purity test. Ah yes, because a party composed entirely of old, white Christian males isn’t pure enough. As Stephen Colbert says in the video below, “Republicans have not been this excited since Haagen Dazs released Vanilla Vanilla Swirl.”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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