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Posts Tagged ‘Alabama’

The American Taliban strikes again, not surprisingly in Alabama, where Gov.-elect Robert Bentley (R) told a Martin Luther King Day crowd that they were all his brothers and sisters – if and only if they are Christian and have “been saved.”

Yes, on a day dedicated to teaching justice, equality, togetherness and unity, the future governor of Alabama took it upon himself to say that although he doesn’t see color, he just can’t be friends with someone who’s different than him.

I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind,” Bentley said in a short speech given about an hour after he took the oath of office as governor.

Then Bentley, who for years has been a deacon at First Baptist Church in Tuscaloosa, gave what sounded like an altar call.

“There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit,” Bentley said. ”But if you have been adopted in God’s family like I have, and like you have if you’re a Christian and if you’re saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister.”

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Alabama this election cycle has an endless stream of insane candidates. They’ve spent the better part of the past few weeks trying to one-up each other with their love of guns, religion and huge fences along our southern border. From governor candidate Tim James, who insist that people in his state should only speak English, to agriculture commissioner candidate Dale Freakin’ Peterson, the farmer/businessman/MARINE DURIN’ VIETNAM who’s gonna shoot your crops if they don’t grow, Alabama has just about every spot on the lunatic fringe spectrum covered.

OR DO THEY!?

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As long as Alabama continues to put forth comically-insane candidates for political office, we’re gonna keep bringing them to you. Meet Dale Peterson, Republican candidate for agriculture commissioner. We have no idea what the job entails, but his credentials include being: a “FARMER, BUSINESSMAN, COP, AND A MARINE DURIN’ VIETNAM!”

Good lord, vote for this man, if for no other reason, just to get him off the streets.

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We didn’t really bank on becoming a political blog about Alabama politics, but those yokels are making ignoring their goings-on near impossible. Surprisingly, we’re not even talking about something Tim James — the lunatic who says things like “This is Alabama. We speak English” while wandering around his slave plantation — did this time. Instead we’re talking about another intolerant, wingnut Jesusy Republican who’s running for governor.

His name is Roy Moore, and you may know him from the time he insisted that massive replicas of the Ten Commandments belonged on the front yard of the Alabama Supreme Court. With that as his credential, he’s running for the top job in the state, and he’s attacking one of his opponents for not loving Jesus enough. More specifically, Moore is running a new ad that claims his opponent, Bradley Byrne, thinks evolution is worth considering (GASP!) and believes that every word in the Bible isn’t literally true.

In other words, Byrne is never going to be governor of Alabama because he doesn’t think people can live in whales, doesn’t believe in talking snakes or omnipotent men in the clouds, and is skeptical that someone built a boat big enough to house two of every animal on Earth (even the dinosaurs). Sigh. Alabama, you’re officially worse than Texas.

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Gah. This guy. In his latest fucking weird campaign ad (this lulu is a Republican running for governor in Alabama), Tim James has some strange reasoning for wanting sex offenders to re-register with the state every 90 days.

Also take note of his ’70s porn pose with his wife, who appears in just the first few seconds of the ad and stays completely silent — AS A WOMAN SHOULD. AMIRITE????

We’re not going to challenge the logic of James’ registration plan, but we do have to ask: What the fuck does being a businessman have to do with keeping families safe?

And what’s with all the meaningful pauses? We know you have to fill 30 seconds of screen time but you come off like a guy who can’t remember his lines. MAYBE TIM JAMES NEEDS A TELEPROMPTER LIKE THAT COMMIE IN THE WHITE HOUSE. BANG! ZOOM!

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Meet Tim James, Republican candidate for governor in Alabama. He’s a sensitive, thoughtful guy, and he thinks it’s outrageous that driver’s license tests are offered in 12 languages in his state. If he’s governor, everyone’s taking it in English! This ad is so good, if it doesn’t make you want to punch a Mexican, you might not be an American. Also, Tim James will be Alabama’s next governor.

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Actually, this could be good news for all of us: A new poll of Alabama Republicans puts Huckabee in front for the 2012 GOP nomination by 10 points over prolific liar/quitter Sarah Palin.

So, great! They’d rather have for President a guy who granted Maurice Clemmons clemency — after which Clemmons killed four Seattle police officers and was shot to death two days later by a Seattle cop — than someone who lies publicly, takes $100,000 for a speech while claiming to be looking out for “real” Americans, and can’t finish a term as governor of a state with no people.

OK. Maybe it’s not good news for anyone.

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