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Posts Tagged ‘Congress’

Well hey, we’re not doing anything else, so let’s kick this sucker off. Y’all ready for this!?

State of the Union time, baby! Let’s get it on!

9:07 This is, of course, the most important part of the speech. Who’s on the center aisle? Who transcended party labels and waited literally HOURS to get his picture taken with the President!? Obviously, Sheila Jackson-Lee, that’s who. Christ.

9:08 Just in case you’re watching along at home, we should point out that we’re watching on MSNBC. If you’re watching on FOX News, you’re probably seeing a different feed. There are not actually horns on Obama’s head.

9:09 Obama greets the Joint Chiefs. Totally cool to ask if they’re gay now.

9:10 Wow, Pelosi’s wearing a lot of makeup tonight. And a suit! Weird!

9:12 Oh man, big hand for the new Speaker! And an even bigger hand for Gabby Giffords! Hooray for everyone! (more…)

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While Senate Republicans complain that having to work before (and during the week after) Christmas is “sacrilegious,” the House of Representatives yesterday debated whether gay servicemen and women should be allowed to serve openly in the military. It was an interesting juxtaposition because: you know who else works right before (and during the week after) Christmas? Troops! Soldiers sent to Iraq and Afghanistan by Jon Kyl and Jim DeMint! They even do it without complaining and whining that they’re being punished because of their religious beliefs!

Of course, we digress. The point is: if the Republicans think having to, you know, do their job is some sort of religious persecution, what do you think they’ll think about gays in the military? Here’s a sampling.

This is from Duncan Hunter, who got his job after his dad – who has the same name – retired from the same seat:

The United States military is not the YMCA. It’s something special. [This is] a liberal crusade to create a utopia.”

A Village People reference…on the floor of the House…from a member of Congress. Lovely.

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We don’t all agree on everything, especially when it comes to politics, but with soaring deficits, mounting debt and Baby Boomers who are about to blow up Social Security, we should be agreeing on more. So as a starting point, can we all agree that John Shimkus (R-IL) should NOT be the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee? I don’t mean this in a partisan way. Elections have consequences, blah blah blah, but seriously…THIS GUY!!

Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL) — who claimed this week he is “uniquely qualified among a group of talented contenders to lead the Energy and Commerce Committee” — said that climate change should not concern us since God has already promised not to destroy the Earth,” the Toronto Star reports.

Said Shimkus: “The Earth will end only when God declares it’s time to be over. Man will not destroy this Earth. This Earth will not be destroyed by a Flood. I do believe that God’s word is infallible, unchanging, perfect.”

I’m being serious: is there any reason we can’t all agree on this?

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What can you say about a man who’s never used an ATM? He’s…uh, probably an old, SO GET OFF HIS LAWN.

Senator Ben Nelson (D-Neb.) is just that: old. He turned 69 a few days ago (69, dude!) and even though ATMs have been around virtually forever, he still prefers to get cash from a teller.

Based on recent Congressional trends, that’s probably because he’s having sex with the teller. Or maybe he’s just trying to divert Cornhusker kickbacks. Who knows?

Politico has the full story.

I’ve never used an ATM, so I don’t know what the fees are,” Nelson said, adding that he gets his cash from bank tellers, just not automatic ones. “It’s true, I don’t know how to use one.

“But I could learn how to do it just like I’ve . . . I swipe to get my own gas, buy groceries. I know about the holograms.”

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On any other day that whole thing would read: Republicans freeze legislative action. HEY-O!

And the subhead would be: Republicans having a serious impact on Congress’s ability to plow through bills. WAKA WAKA WAKA!

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PelIf you’ve been playing Where in the World is Nancy Pelosi lately, the answer has likely been, “Beats the shit out of me.” Chances are you’ve lost the game enough times to want to give up the whole thing and go back to smacking hookers around in Grand Theft Auto IV. We don’t blame you.

Because all disgraced/useless members of Congress must resurface from time to time, Thursday was Pelosi’s turn, and her return is a doozy. She said publicly the House won’t take up a Michael Jackson resolution.

Because dead Michael Jackson is the story that won’t die, Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-Outtolunchville), sponsored HR 600 with Rep. Diane Watson (D-Areyoufuckinkiddignmetown), which — we’re not kidding — suggests Congress, and therefore the American people, “Hono[r] an American legend and musical icon.” The bill was introduced on June 26 and referred to the House Committee on Foreign Affairs (sounds weird, but Jackson-Lee and Watson are members). On July 9, the bill — this is a fucking staggering statistic — picked up 10 more co-sponsors, including Dennis Kucinich, the only man in Ohio who carries more personal items than a homeless guy.

Enter the Dragon Lady.

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